I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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