I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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