My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
