Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
