I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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