I cockslap morals
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
