fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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