Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
