All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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