you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
