I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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