I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
