I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
