the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Help. Why am I so naked?
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