I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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