Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I have fence marks all over my body
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
