she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
