i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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