Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
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I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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