You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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