Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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