Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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