hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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