No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
