Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
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Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
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You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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