saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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