why didn't you poke me back
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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