I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
