You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
