Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
