Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
