my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
