Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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