just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
