turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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