What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
