I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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