Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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