i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
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he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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