He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
