my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
