It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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