I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
