this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
