I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
