Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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