a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
