??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
there is glitter all over my balls
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