3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
