I think I died a long time ago.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
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I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
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You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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