So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
