angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
