So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
