Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
