are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I think I won the penis lottery.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
