Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
